When I started high school in 2009 things changed, I went from uptown to downtown, it was a whole new world, I met people that when I was younger I never would have approached and I heard a language I didn't before. 'That's so gay' 'f*g' 'homo' 'f*ggot' from the very beginning I was against it all but did it really affect me? I never said it, I wasn't the problem, it wasn't my problem right?
In grade 9, 2010, the GSA was formed. I remember the first time I went people went around an talked about themselves "hi my name is... I like... and I identify as..." I said I was 99% sure I was straight, they joked that there was a margin of error there, I joked back "ya there is hahaha" I don't think they realized how serious I was.
My time after I joined GSA was just, so... confusing. I knew I supported the LGBTQ community, but was I really a part of it? To add onto all that my parents split up, I wasn't told, I figured it out on my own and I put on a strong face, convinced my self it didn't bug me, told them that, they treated me like an adult, confided in me, maybe it was too much, I don't really know. I go really stressed out. When my mom moved out and we started switching between houses the stress really started piling on me, my dad got a, young, girlfriend really fast, never liked her (but here a year and a bit later they are still together and I'm starting to warm up to her a bit.) my mom got really fit, my body issues went down, my weight went up and hers kept going down, she looked really good. I hated it. I don't know when the cutting started.
I think it was September 2011, a sunny day, my friends weren't at school. There was only two people gone and it dawned on me that I was alone, I had so few friends that when two were sick, I. was. alone. I had a bottle tab.. that's where it started. It obviously escalated, on my lowest days I had brief suicidal thoughts. "How could I go without suffering too much?" but I never really wanted to do it. In this time I was struggling some of the biggest fights with my dad and my friends happened it really didn't help. My brother dealing with new teenage hormones telling me I had no friends, I was ugly, if I went out on the street and said I would pay people to have sex with me no one would pay, didn't help. Being confused in my sexuality didn’t help, being insecure about my body didn’t help.
There came a day in late 2011 I remember so clearly, I was sitting alone on the bus because it was senior band and I was a junior, they didn't all like me much thought I was annoying, and ya that hurt. I was thinking about my future, what I wanted to do, sing, change lives maybe get married and have kids. Then I realized I wasn’t just imaging some faceless guy, it switched between a guy and a girl. Bisexual, why had it been so difficult for me to see it? It made so much more sense, I laugh now when I think back to me and my best friend at 8 years old telling each other it was normal that we always stared a women, at the.. Chests for a lack of a better word. If I had known then, maybe I wouldn't have been so confused until I was 15!!
Even knowing that I was bisexual, I was still confused, I still didn’t know where I stood. For 14 year I had assumed I was straight, it was easy to assume when everyone did, when you were attracted to guys, it was weird coming to terms with it, but I knew I was bisexual, maybe I didn’t like both sexes equally but I was definitely bisexual. The cutting didn’t stop, I came out as bisexual to my parents and the opposite of what I thought would happen, happened. My accepting mom stereotyped me and my sexuality. Bisexual: confused, doesn’t exist, more likely to me promiscuous. It really hurts, it hasn’t stopped, but she tries I guess. My dad, a touch homophobic it was bittersweet, he said “I understand you liking woman because I like women, but if your brother said he was bisexual I would think that was messed up.”
I really didn’t know what to think of my parents. I’m close with my mom but she ignores it. I was never really close to my dad, he was a disciplinarian, he likes things his way, but he always acknowledges that I’m bi.
My mom knows I used to cut my dad doesn’t. I went to counseling to deal with the cutting, my body image and self esteem, my social life ( my friends were all together, like dating, and I was the third wheel always.) very mild depression/bi polar disorder, blaming myself, being passive and my controlling father and his girlfriend. I’ve gotten over a lot of it, I haven’t cut in more than a month and I can resist the urge to cut now. I haven’t had a suicidal though in a really long time, I got involved in the school play and made a new friend and we are close now. I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter if my friends are together they are still my friends. I’m trying with my father’s girlfriend, it’s hard because she has these little qualities I don’t like and I spent so much time hating her. I’m talking to my dad a little more, confronting him about things that bug me. My mom’s new boyfriend is great, he’s nice and all around a great guy so that’s good.
As for my sexuality it still confuses me, I’m still working to accept it, but I know who I am. I’ve come to see my life is pretty good and as long as I have music and can help people who are worse off than me, I’ll be fine. I’m pretty lucky.
I have never written this all out, this has kind of been a healing exercise so thanks.